I'm Client #9

11/8/08

Yesterday, Barack Obama gave his first press conference as President Elect. The Grumpy was surprised that Eliot Spitzer was not there to take his proper place in the row of grim faced luminaries. Larry Summers was there despite his crash and burn at Harvard. An allegedly renovated, sweeter, warmer Rahm Emmanuel, was there, just appointed Chief of Staff to The President Elect. The administration of the first African American president could become the HQ of second chances for middle-aged white guys.

That morning, the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York announced that Spitzer would not be tried for consorting with high priced prostitutes last year. It seemed conceivable that by 2 pm, Spitzer could be redeemed enough to be included in Obama’s transition team.

Last March, we all stared fascinated into the flames of the Eliot Spitzer bonfire. Many yearned for a great leap forward in mutual comprehension of our common human frailty.

Still so many durable delusions and frauds remained piled up high on the boundary between our private and public lives. For a while it looked like we would be required to misconstrue what the Governor (Client 9) had done and punish him like we really meant it.

Back then, most men held their tongues in mixed company, staring mutely at their shuffling feet, wondering if there, but for the lack of a bottomless pile of untraceable campaign cash, might go someone they knew pretty well.
You may not be surprised, Dear Ladies, that when they were safely alone with their buds, many of your husbands and partners felt compelled to wonder aloud how they could volunteer to become client 10.

When they make “Spitzer”, the inevitable movie, there should be a thrilling scene like the famous one in “Spartucus.” The men of America all chained together and waiting to be crucified for the sin of having testicles and a penis, struggle bravely to their feet, one by one and then in hoards, to declare: “I’m Client 9.”
Men understand Eliot Spitzer. He’s just a guy, in other words, a dog.

Now with no prosecution, we may never know for sure what acts some of Eliot’s escorts considered “unsafe.” America will not be forced to contemplate acts so filthy that just hearing about them could constitute a grave danger to public safety. We may have dodged a WMD of mass mortification capable of depopulating large sections of the nation’s midsection. Now, millions of people will not be forced to move away in the dark of night because they are unable to face their neighbors with the knowledge that they know what they themselves know. You know what I mean? Like Clinton and the cigar but a lot, lot worse.

On the other hand, Eliot’s sins may have remained in the range of the gross normal, or the normally gross. Perhaps, we’ll never know. The tut-tut-ocracy will not get to ask some important questions.

What sex could be worth $5,5000 an hour?

Did Spitzer discover an incredible new erogenous zone? He certainly proved again that many rich and powerful men cannot get excited about anything without vigorous stimulation of their wallets. For some women, sex is what you put up with to get money. For some men, money is sex.

How could someone lock people up for prostitution and then become a John himself?

People were struck dumb by the enormity of Eliot’s hypocrisy, but did we really need Spitzer to remind us that self-righteousness often has a secret slimy under belly? For many preachers, pundits, pols, and other poobahs, the sanctimony only adds a certain sizzle to the sin.

How could he be so reckless?

Ask Bill Clinton. Ask JFK. While you’re at it, ask Genghis Khan, Caligula or Vlad the Impaler. With great power often comes great irresponsibility. (Sorry Spiderman.) Perhaps people running for high office should be asked for a sex resume. Anyone with a standard issue libido would be disqualified.

Wasn’t being Governor of New York enough for Eliot?

For the truly driven, what the rest of us admire and envy is never enough. Compared to running for Governor of New York, spending $80,000 on a pro-am sex romp was a fairly normal healthy activity. The strictly enforced fraudulence and requisite self-manipulation of politics have turned many good people into sociopaths. Maybe Spitzer should be recognized as the victim of a vicious psychological experiment and sent to one of those rest homes for retired lab chimps.

This is where you should bow your head and pray: Lord, please protect Barack Obama and this nation from the scourge of another sexually incontinent Presidency.

Back in the Spring, people divided up predictably between those who wanted to give Eliot Spitzer a pass, and those who wanted to punish him to set a really effective example. But before and after Spitzer, a third way for processing public scandal has been developing. A subtle shift has occurred in society’s attitude toward matters of public morality. The public now seems to say: “OK punish the bastard, but do it quickly and don’t overdo it and then forgive him his trespasses. That’s what Jesus would do.”

When Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter was found to be pregnant it was not treated as a scandal at all, but a blessing. The proverbial shotgun was waved in the general direction of the young father but was never employed. The young couple may or may not actually get married at some point, whenever. With the McCain/Palin ticket defeated, is anyone going to keep track?

There have been countless recent examples of increasing moral leniency in the cases of celebrities and public figures in general.

Rush Limbaugh may be a recovering/lapsed/recovering/lapsed/recovering Oxycontin addict but no one impounded his microphone and he still rouses the rabble with best of them.

Bill O’Reilly may not know the difference between a loofah and a falafel when harassing his female staff, but a few million of Rupert Murdoch’s money, is a small price to pay to enjoy the genius of his unique small mindedness.

Imus was banished to the media wilderness for about a nanosecond and now we can all continue to enjoy the highly entertaining progress of his senility.

Just before the election, Obamas’s aunt was discovered, an illegal alien living in a Boston public housing project. Obama declared that the law must be upheld. He then said that he loved his aunt and he promised to care of her.

Massachusetts has just followed a few other enlightened states and voted to decriminalize the possession of marijuana, in small amounts. This offers hope that the Great Relaxation long enjoyed by the high and mighty, may start to embrace the rest of us.

Our entire economy sank into a sea of collective dishonesty this Summer, but no one has suggested that real people should go to jail for telling lies to mortgage brokers, which is in fact a crime.

We have become an “easy off” society and The Grumpy is all for it. Give the miscreants a break and while you’re at it give me a couple too. We may be inventing a more mechanical, less morally absolutist and more humane approach to some of the smaller sillier crimes.

Eliot Spitzer scared the children and startled the livestock. The law must be upheld but not with excessive vigor. Essentially, he got a really huge parking ticket that could still ruin the rest of his life. Does anyone think he should also go to jail?

In his second term, President Obama may have the wisdom to make Eliot Spitzer the Assistant Attorney General in charge of public corruption. Talk about fully vetted. After a reasonable time out, a chastened Eliot Spitzer could serve as a new kind of public official, pre-shrunk to realistic human proportions.