Give Him a Noogy, Juan

Does anyone embody the smug arrogant blundering of the Bush years more perfectly than Bill Kristol? When he was given a column on the Op-Ed page of the New York Times, The Grumpy’s eyeballs nearly exploded. The Grumpy cursed Bill Keller’s name a year ago, but now he sees the deep wisdom in that appointment.

With W. about to jump into the chipper of history, The Grumpy turns to Kristol’s column each Monday with glee, eager for a fresh steaming pile of the fatuous ignorance from which we will soon be liberated. How will we remember the mindset behind the disastrous course of the last eight years unless we keep couple of those knuckleheads around to remind us how it all went down? And it is critical that we remember. Kristol provides a useful exhibit.

Kristol will also continue to be a positive force for the destruction of the Republican Party’s fortunes for as long as they let him hang around. He was an early and instrumental backer of that brilliant political phenomenon, Sarah Palin. Kristol bragged about his influence in promoting her and when Palin bombed, Kristol hectored the McCain campaign for trying to muzzle Palin and contain the damage. We can only pray that Kristol remains close to the inner circles of Republican Party decision making for years to come.

So on Monday (12-2-08) Kristol used his Op-Ed space to lobby for war between India and Pakistan in the wake of the Mumbai atrocities. He ridiculed Professor Martha Nussbaum and former Republican Congressman Jim Leach for counseling India to avoid a violent nationalist response to the terrorist atrocities in Mumbai.

Having learned nothing from the last eight years, Kristol continues to draw the most simpleminded straight line from “patriotism” to “nationalism” to “fighting the terrorist enemy.” Somehow it never occurs to Kristol that “thinking” should somehow get a wedge in there somewhere. In the face of mindless terrorist violence, he apparently believes that a patriot’s first duty is to lose his mind.

Hey, it worked for Dick and George.

Kristol may still get his way. The governments of India and Pakistan are struggling mightily to resist the slide toward war. Condaleeza Rice is jetting about trying to get the two governments to cooperate against the terrorists responsible for the attacks. But in the streets of Mumbai and Lahore the mobs on both sides of this potential conflagration are taking up Kristol’s challenge and calling for blood and vengeance. The Grumpy assumes that these crazed nationalists do not get home delivery of The Times but if they did, Kristol would be required reading.

Did any of Kristol’s editors think to protect him from himself? Can’t they delegate some craggy faced old timer, some broken down guy in a fedora and suspenders with a nasty cigar, who could take young Bill into the corner office and try to explain it to him? “You see Bill, in India they have Hindus and Muslims, you know, like Osama. You see they hate each other a lot. They used slaughter each other by the millions. They both think they should run the country so when you say they should crank up the nationalism you’re really encouraging a civil war. You can understand that, right? You don’t really want to do that Bill, do you?”

Has Kristol himself ever been involved in anything more violent than an argument over or a squash court reservation at The Harvard Club? What youthful inadequacies does his belligerence mask? Should this prissy milk toast be allowed to encourage the use of state violence from the pages of our most important newspaper? Maybe he should.

The Times has apparently decided to let Kristol embarrass himself on a weekly basis for as long as he likes. Kristol represents the media equivalent of his darling Governor Palin, a suppurating intellectual wound that will bring nothing but calamity to his own side.

Still, The Grumpy dreams of tuning in to Fox News some Sunday when Juan Williams finally loses it, puts Kristol in a headlock and gives him a really good vigorous noogy.

It will happen just after Kristol proudly completes one of his well-rehearsed quips. Kristol will lean back slightly, flare his delicate nostrils, and smile that twisted little half smile. He’ll squint impishly and arch his eyebrows in that inimitable wry manner. As he chuckles softly he'll jiggle his head ever so slightly as if taunt, don’t you wish you could be as wonderful as me? Then Juan will go for him. Chris Wallace and the rest will have to wrestle them apart. It will make a glorious piece of television.